Disturbing Sex Toys

My Crabby

The vibrator that inspired this article! While searching for a link for a previous post, I came across this thing... First of all, it goes above and beyond the typical anthropomorphic vibrator design, by giving it googly-eyes! That's exactly what I want looking up at me when I'm about to get off - a crustacean having an epileptic fit! Second, it's designed to clip to the labia. Um, excuse me? You want me to clip what to where now?!? Lastly, the obvious barnacle comparison is just downright disturbing.

Flexi Felix

Anal beads should not look like baby toys! No-Bad-Wrong! And you just know that like some bad sitcom, a friend is going to stop by with her new baby, and you'll look in horror as the curious baby chews on something that was recently in your butt, while the clueless parent asks where you got such an adorable teether.

Pixie Ring Vibe

I'm not a guy, but I've heard that guys can get all worked about about penis size. I can't imagine how much of an ego boost it would be to receive a vibrating cock ring called the "Pixie".

The Eroscillator Plus 2

At first glance, the Eroscillator Plus 2 seems a bit unusual, but not outwardly disturbing. But look again, this time thinking of the old Flash Gordon serials... Yes, this vibrator looks like a classic sci-fi ray-gun ready to take on Ming the Merciless.

George Dubya Tush

I do not want this man in my White House. I do not want this man in my butt.

Jackhammer Jesus

If you've ever wanted to reenact some of the sexy scenes from The Exorcist, Jackhammer Jesus can be your pal. Also comes with the ever so helpful advice "Feet first, not the head". And if a dead guy in your snatch just isn't your style, Divine Interventions also produces a Baby Jesus Butt Plug.

Snowball

Dear god - it's a cute vibrating anime bunny! The fact that it looks like it has pop-out eyes like those squeezie toys just makes this all the more disturbing.

Teacher's Pet Kit

Every year on the last day of school, all of us kids would show up with our crappy little gifts to present to the teacher as a reward for putting up with us. In 5th grade, one boy presented the teacher with a 6-pack of beer (what can I say - I went to public school). This vibrator reminds me of that gift - something your teacher could really use, but should not be bought for them under any circumstances.

Durex Little Gem Vibrator

Set phasers to stun!

Cousin Steve's Fuckin' Vibe

I'm not exactly sure what the makers of this vibrator were thinking... First, let's address the fact that it's basically a big middle finger. No woman would buy this for herself - it would be something her drunken frat boyfriend would come home with because he and the boys thought it was funny. Second, it looks like a cartoon hand. This makes me think it would be more useful to stick out the car window at dumb drivers, rather than to try to get off with it. And lastly, what the mother fuck where they thinking when they decided to name this product after a relative?!? From the description: "Who knows how to treat your pussy better than Cousin Steve? No one!" Eww, I feel dirty now.

Foot Fetish Luscious Legs Vibrator

When I was young, I put my Barbie in her dream Corvette, or in her luxury penthouse. I guess we know where you put your Barbie...

Vibrating Pleasure Periscope

There are many sciences where the amateur can get entry-level equipment and learn about the world around them. You can pretend you're an astronomer and get a telescope. You can pretend you're a geologist and get a rock tumbler. You can pretend you're a biologist and get a microscope. However, you should never achieve to be an amateur gynecologist and get the Vibrating Pleasure Periscope. Much like the creatures in the Cthulhu mythos, there are some sights that man is not prepared to see.

Hello Kitty

Time to taint your fond childhood memories! The Hello Kitty vibrator is an actual Sanrio licensed product used to relieve "shoulder tension". Uh huh... It's currently off the market and hard to find, but still so disturbing it needed to be included on the list.

Senso Foot Fetish Fantasy

Ok, here we have a foot with a vagina in it. It's a FOOT with a VAGINA in it people!!!

Atomic Disintegrator

Nothing too creepy about the shape really, it's just the name that terrifies me. Yes, I would like to take something that disintegrates material down to the atomic level, and stick it in my snatch. Yes please!

Delphinus Delight

On first glance, it appears to be an artistic piece with an unusual design, but not all together creepy, right? Nope, not creepy at all... that is, if you like using dolphin dick to get off! Zetacreations specializes in animal penis replicas, so if you've ever fantasized about alligators, orca, raccoons or grizzly bears, you're in luck!

Naughty Gnome

I'm used to all sorts odd animal representations, but I think the garden gnome is a bit much (unless you have some Gandolf fetish I guess...).

High-Joy Internet Enabled Vibrators

So am I going to mock a vibrator that you can hook up to your computer and let others control via the internet? Nope, that's pretty innovative actually. I am going to mock the fact that all of the products are controlled via serial port! You may think you're having cutting-edge future sex, but it's really dated sex from 1997. Now you know what that smell is...